I always teach kids I work with that being angry is not a bad thing. There are no such things as bad emotions. Feeling anger provides us important information. Anger tells us that something in our life is not going right, or not happening the way we think it should. We all get mad. The difference is that as adults, we have hopefully learned some effective coping skills to handle anger. Kids, though, are still trying to figure it out, and as parents, we must help teach them. This can be really hard when your 5-year-old has thrown himself down on the supermarket floor screaming and you are getting disapproving glares. It’s even harder when your 11-year-old yells “I hate you!” because you took away her phone for the evening. We can’t forget about your 16-year-old who is mad and locks himself in his room all day because you think (but not quite sure) that he didn’t like your tone when you said “good morning”. Does this sound familiar? When thinking of your child’s behavior, are you at a loss of what do? Do you find yourself asking:
“How do I deal with my child’s anger outburst?”
Each situation is different and sometimes you don’t even know what caused the outburst. So what can you do? Below are some techniques that can help you calm down your child, teach him or her some coping skills, and not lose it yourself.
1. Stay calm: Most know that this is harder than it sounds. When the angry outbursts are directed at you over and over again, staying calm doesn’t seem to be an option. In reality, staying calm is the only option. So how do you do this? Remind yourself that your child’s outburst is not about you. Even if it’s directed at you. Something is not going right in his/her world- whether it is a real grievance or a perceived one.
2. Validate their feelings of rage, not their outburst. It’s okay to validate their feelings. “I understand you are really mad, now”, “I know the cell phone is really important to you”. Let them know that the feeling is not wrong, but the behavior outburst is not acceptable.
3. Teach skills before the behavior occurs. This works with all ages, but takes on different forms based on developmental level. When your child is calm, talk about what anger feels like. Help them identify the feeling so they can recognize it before they lose control. Then come up with alternate ways to deal with their feelings. Younger children may need a quiet space they can go to, or an identified toy they can hold to calm down their feelings. Older children and teens can be taught breathing techniques, or encouraged to write their feelings in a journal to help them calm down and then speak with you when they are ready.
4. Role play. Role playing is really important. It’s great to come up with these techniques, but they must practice them before they get upset. Just like school fire drills, we must practice what to do beforehand, so when the feeling arises they are prepared and know exactly what to do.
5. Notice and praise when they use appropriate coping skills. For younger kids, this is easier as they love praise- the bigger the better. As kids get older, do it a little more low Key- “I noticed how you handled that situation. You were really able to communicate your feelings appropriately”. That will really get their attention and make them feel like you aren’t treating them like a little kid.
“I’ve tried all of this the anger is getting worse!”
In some cases, these techniques may not work. If you have consistently used these techniques or others and the behavior is not stopping, or is getting worse, it may be time to consult your physician, or mental health practitioner. Sometimes, children may need a little more specialized attention to help them overcome their anger issues. Sometimes their anger is masking other emotions like sadness or anxiety.
If you feel like you or your child needs additional help to deal with their anger please contact Home Again Counseling, LLC to schedule an appointment.
